The Assistant
by PinkPanther9.7
Summary: Pein is sick of paper work and the Akatsuki going awol, so he hires someone to do his paper work and chores. This idea backfires when they actually meet the assistant, Oh boy. Rated for Hidan
1. Chapter 1

The Assistant

Disclamer: Jingle bells, I don't own Naruto, so there.

* * *

1, How the mighty have fallen

Akatsuki had eventually had enough with frequent visits to wal-mart, doctors and even to the several cheap food stores, Pein decided to hire an assistant. This could be a interesting development.

He had several files spread across his desk these were several hair products, medicines and the like data sheets.

"Kakuzu yet again you remind me of the humongous bull crap called debt, I have taken the liberity of assigning an assistant to help with the base functions." Pein's cold hard voice rumbled out of the dark.

"Fuck you cock sucker," Hidan's voice roared in the gloom.

"Konan has arranged for a assistant now, Adebisi Karamonpolis he was the only one in the area."

"That's correct, I pity him," Konan said muttering the other part.

"What a stupid fucking name," Hidan delared pointing his finger at Konan. "What idiot is called Adebisi."

"Rich coming from guy who stabs himself with a compass at three in the morning," Kisame chipped in.

Hidan glared daggers at Kisame, mostly because of stating the absolute obvious.

"Hey this Karamonopolis guy might be able to get my special shampoo, un," Deidara added looking at his bottle of cheapo catch penny shampoo bottle in his hand with disgust.

"Deidara we cannot waste money on your hair fetish," Kakazu snapped.

"Hark he who wears money print boxers, **Three consecutive weeks in a row,"** Zetsu nitpicked earning a chuckle from Hidan.

"Nice, nice to see you make a fucking contribution,"

"That an' babysitting the great lollypop faced one," Zetsu added with a roll of his eyes as the dubbed lollypop face clung to his arm.

Pein cleared his throat, "He'll be arriving in three days. Meanwhile Konan will get today's groceries."

Konan gave Pein a sharp look.

"Dismissed!"

---

Konan was in the walmart looking pissed off, she had clipped the big list to the trolly. Again she wondered how long this Adebisi guy would last without an aneurysm.

The first part of the list reads as follows:

Avolsche crème shampoo (for blondes)

Avolsche crème shampoo (for dark hair)

Lintel Shampoo (For White /red/ginger/green hair)

Cheap shampoo

Anti body odour deodorant

Shower gel

Fish food

Cereal

Fruit

Vegatables

Noodles

Wood

Clay

Kunai

Beano comic

Konan sighed through her nose in annoyance as she turned the corner to get the items. She has a separate wages to everyone else. She collected the items. She flipped over to the next part. She groaned it was the medicine part.

Only few people need medicine.

Itachi – prescribed eye drops

Kakazu – cardiovascular tablets

Tobi – Mosiphian

Konan made her way to the check out as the queue was enormous, she pulled her cart to the back of the line. There were leaf, sand, grass ninjas with stacks of loo roll.

"Ebola season must be in," She muttered dully, Pein forgot the loo roll on the list. Even more she pitied Adebisi if there is an infestation of Ebola in the base.

"456,00 ryo miss," The till nin asked coolly.

"Twerp," Konan muttered handing it over. She was glad the shopping escapade was blatantly over; she soon packed the shopping into the ancient Morris traveller. Kakuzu blatantly refused to get a mini bus.

Later that day after the shopping Konan was sorting through her laundry; she found money print socks, boxers with the uchiha clan crest on them and several vests with floral print on them.

Konan spat out a curse as she flung the offending Items into the hall, she is a second in command not a house maid.

As she sorted her whites into a separate pile, She thought of the assistant and how he'll be used as their dogsbody. She smirked silently.

**#KABOOOOOOOM#**

After a back flip to avoid hitting her dresser, she noticed a few shards of plaster land on her clothes and bedding.

"Deidara!" she heard a voice wail across the hall, Zetsu most likely, odd he never snapped at anyone except for Zigor, but he is currently stayed behind in Atmos what a disaster that turned out to be.

"Zetsu what is going on here?" Konan asked coming up behind the plant nin.

"Deidara is what happened, **he let one of his clay centipedes loose in the toilet," **Zetsu said eye twitching

"Yeah it's not like I blew up the crapper, un." argued Deidara.

"Look again you blonde twit," Zetsu motioned with his finger at fragmented porcelain toliet all over the floor.

"So I got the explosive chakra a little out of whack? Your brother blew up the base,un." Deidara countered.

"Yeah but he spared the toilet, **but not the greenhouse the stupid bastard." **

"Maybe the jashin forsaken neko didn't like the prospect of cleaning up the fucking crap water," The obnoxious voice of Hidan snapped out behind them.

"Hey, that Neko has a name-" A communicator blasted out the wall. There was a fuzzy hologram in the middle.

"Ziggy what the fuck, how did you find a way into our dimension?" Hidan snapped, putting his hand in the hologram

"Fuck off, Jus' checking in. Shocktuppen are more active it's a nightmare trying to stop them finding this signal."

"What the hell happened to you zig?" Kisame asked.

"They tried making me a Shocktruppen, It didn't work. **Now I have metal fused to my body and I can fly with jet wings fused to my back," **Zigor said cheerfully with a hint of bitterness.

"Ouch that looks painful," Konan said pointing to the metal fused to his torso.

"Sorry gotta split." He said simply and the transmission ended.

The day continued without a hitch everyone had lunch and were assembled around the television.

"This model has epic bassoons," Hidan ogled, Zetsu snickered while eating some noodles, they were glued to the point of lost all sensations of the outside world.

Zetsu hardly noticed one of his legs was going numb and tingly, Kisame was hanging onto the arm rest precariously. Itachi was close to landing on Deidara, and Hidan was inches from the screen.

The Akatsuki had an old black and white television set, the picture was pretty poor. But Kakuzu was to lazy and money obsessed to get them a 75 inch flat screen.

#Fizzzzzzzzzzch#

Zetsu got up and banged the top of the Television with his fist until the picture cleared.

"Better?" He asked.

Everyone nodded and went back to their stupor. The picture had fits again then it went back to snow. Zetsu gave the rabbit ears a good pull, from the left to the right.

"Zetsu pull them a little more, more … there." Kisame instructed, the picture was only slightly more acceptable.

The doorbell rang in a continuous ring of 'All praise the great Jashin' everyone glared at Hidan who gave them the finger.

They really didn't want guests; they were going to the Golden Kunai for a binge. Zetsu was going to do the driving.

End Chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

The Assistant

Disclamer: Jingle bells, I don't own Naruto, so there.

* * *

2. What a surprise Hidan, you can't get thy own way

Pein strode to the door and jerked it open, there stood a short fellow in a rain coat and was leaning on a cane. Pein rose an eyebrow at the man in the doorway.

"This is 45 street?" The man asked.

"Yes, so what do you want?"

"I am here to help," The man stated, "Can I come in?"

Pein stood to the side and he walked in. He took one look around.

Konan was trying to stop Hidan from pigging out from the fridge, she had to haul a dead body from the freezer and throw it in the pit outside.

"Your early Adebisi," Konan deadpanned, "Forget my advice on regrowing your eyebrow?"

"No, it was too much of a nuisance trying to grow anything without blowing your arm off," He replied hanging his rain coat on the door.

"You will start your assisting now, by accounting all of our expenses," Konan stated thrusting receipts into his hands.

"Right-o, if you multiply the square number of the power of three …" Adebisi muttered sitting down at the table, his remaining eyebrow furrowed.

Tobi barrelled in after a few minutes followed in by Deidara, who leaped onto the table, papers flew everywhere.

"Excuse me, please take your steeple chase elsewhere," Adebisi stated collecting the papers together. Accounts, statements, bills and to do list.

"Who the hell are you, un?"

"Ya mother, no only pulling your goat. I am the assistant," Adebisi sated looking at the various expenses.

"What are you doing Assistant-san?" Tobi asked holding up a ink pad.

"I am doing Kaszabu's bills." Adebisi replied, "Call me Adebisi." He added at the end. He fingered the pad of ink and then came to the answere and wrote it down.

"345.000 ryo, Hidan is a fat little pig, un!" Deidara snapped taking the parchment and storming to the indoor training place.

"Right, Next job is to clean Tobi's room and then read him his favourite story," Adebisi said cheerfully, getting up and taking the stuff back to Kakuzu's room.

"Can you read the chapter six: Rapunzel's hair please Adi-sampai?" Tobi asked looking eager, Adebisi finished stackying the blocks up to one side. The place looked tidy.

"Oi You fucking servant! I want you to tend to my laundry," Hidan screamed as he stood in the door way.

"Fine but after I deal with Tobi's story time," Adebisi stated falling back to reading the fairy tale. Hidan growled and strode over yanking the book out of Adebisi's hand and getting into his face.

"You will do my laundry, now you fucking oreo, or else!" Hidan roared, "You are our maid, you do as you are told."

Adebisis snorted through his nose and got up and sorted through the jashinist's laundry. Colours on one pile whites on the other. He juggled with them until he had both piles in one hand and his cane in the other.

"I'll be back Tobi, don' loose the page we got upto." He called back before going to the laundry room.

There were piles of clothes in all areas, each with a note on it. Adebisi put the clothes down and scoured the cupboards for detergent. He found several brands each with a sticky note:

Diedara - Persil detergent three capfuls

Kisame: Ariel - One capful

Tobi - Special non - bio detergent - one cap and three fifths

Pein - Bold - 3 capfuls

Konan - same as pein

Kakazu - Grated soap

Hidan - 8 capfuls

Sasori - water with salt three table spoonsygyy

Zetsu - Fairy non -biological - 4 and a half capfuls

Adebisi took the detergent from the shelf and placed each packet next to the clothes and started the washing machine. This is going to take forever. He should have stayed with tobi and finish the story book.

--------

The tumble drier stopped and all the clothes were in several baskets ready to be ironed. It was evening by the time he was finished.

His eyes redder than usual from the detergent and his fingernails crusted with three week old chocolate moose. He looked over to the door and fled to the hallway and into Tobi's bedroom to finish the story.

"Now then where-"

"Tobi thinks Adebisi - san smells pretty, like jasmine and lotus flowers," Tobi said smelling ther fagrence from Adebisi's hair.

"Well I did get sprayed with persil, Ariel and Bold," Adebisi replied, before long he started to read the story.

"Tobi asks, do you enjoy doing these jobs?" Tobi asked through a yawn.

"Yes, it keeps bread on the table, either this or goin' back being a warlock," Adebisi said closing the book and tucking the masked nin into bed.

Soon enough the base was calm that is until:

"HIDAN YOU GREEDY LITTLE BITCH!"

"Shut up Kakuzu, seriously, its not that bad," Hidan stated grumpily

"Not that bad, NOT THAT BAD! MONEY CANNOT BE SQUANDERED LIKE FUCKING BEER!"

Adebisi rolled his eyes, this is going to be a tough assignment as he red the next chore: Clear all corpses and junk from under Zetsu's bed.

"Heh, this aughta be interesting, **Considering the stuff he hides under his bed."** Adebisi muttered to himself, cocking his only eyebrow in a amused fashion.

He closed his eyes.

**KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM**

"Wheres the kunai madam?" Adebisi asked stupidly jumping with suprise and falling off the couch and onto his face.

"BRAT!"

"FUCKING TRANSVESTITE!"

"ASS HOLE!"

"DEIDARA!"

"SUGAR!"

Adebisi walked briskly up the steps and looked horrified.

End Chapter


End file.
